At the risk of sounding completely defeated and run down as I have in so many of the 71 or so posts I've logged on this site in the past three years, I will at least say this: this year is finally almost over. Two weeks. A year of many firsts for me--too many to name--, a year of struggle, doubt, fatigue, frustration, occupational burnout, and complete and utter impotence in teaching.
Yeah, this year = EPIC FAIL.
A good analogy to compare my frustration with this year to would be the scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail where King Arthur and his men have decided to construct the wooden rabbit which will grant them access into the taunting Frenchmens' castle. The solution: oh, so totally allusional to the Greeks, but still totally brilliant. The PROBLEM: in their haste and delight at their solution, they forget to PUT THEMSELVES INSIDE their creation, thus making their solution INEFFECTIVE. This is how I've felt all year: a mind and agenda teeming with great ideas, all foiled in the end by good intentions and plans which never came to fruition. It's made me even wonder whether it really is ME who is the problem; am I perhaps IN my OWN way???
I could write another dissertation detailing the many many reasons behind my thinking (which is completely logical to me, I promise), but alas, it will not help me to move on and do a better job in whatever comes next. What is next? Oh, hmmm...let's see: a few summer weeks of tutoring at MEC, grading some SATS, perhaps some rest, catching up on housework and yardwork that's long overdue, and getting ready to do it all again come August 12, 2010. It's a vicious cycle, but it's what I've pledged to do, and next year, just maybe, I'll be able to teach. Really teach and feel effective, instead of feeling like I'm standing up in front of a group of students, trying to sound convincing.
Funny how the need to do so passionately the one thing you know you've been called to do can become so fiercely defended and territorial to you when someone or something threatens to get in your way. I feel like this year teaching became ancillary to everything else in the institution of the public school. And that makes me terribly sad. And surly!
So, being the bookworm/lover-of-all-things literary that I am, I have compiled here a few quotes that characterize the few people who have been privy to the frustration I've felt this year and have, in their own unique ways, encouraged me along the way. Be it colleague, friend, student, former student, family member, spouse, or whomever else, thank the Good Lord for people who, for once, became my enablers--in a positive manner, that is. :)
....
When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~Henri Nouwen
....
In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit. ~Albert Schweitzer
....
Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh!" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you." ~A.A. Milne
....(and, my favorite)...
"Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you." -Charlie Brown to Snoopy
4 comments:
Psh, I chose you as STAR teacher for a reason. So, even if you feel ineffective, I have faith that you are FAR MORE EFFECTIVE than some other teachers. Your worst beats most other people's best any day.
yeah, what Angela said. I've went through a whole year of college... and uhm, you're still the best teacher I've had in my academic career. I can definitely say that without sucking up, because it's a true fact. Sorry to hear that you've been worn down lately. I love you, and hope it all gets better. Btw, did Jacob give you that book that Ellie gave to me to return back to you? haha.
Krieger, here is what you do.
1. Get an huge box of fake grenades.
2. Take the box to class and tell your students that all of the grenades are fake except one.
3. Anytime a student pisses you off take out a grenade, pull the pin, toss it to him/her, and then run out of the room.
You may have to make sure that all of the grenades are fake before you take them to class though. You know, just in case.
Or just get some college professor or a student to come talk to your class and tell them how crazy college is and if they don't try now they will fail then, either way you're a great teacher (I know I took you twice).
Thanks, you three, for the words of encouragement; I know things are very clouded right now by my already-negative attitude toward this entire year. I'll be ok. :)
And Josh, where can I get me some of those fake grenades??? Sounds like a very pragmatic solution to my problem, but take the word "student" and replace with "administrator" and NOW we're talkin' about a plan! lol...
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