Perdon (SPANISH, people!!!) the mistakes before we begin; this one came fast and fervently and I had to get it out...
Ever have one of those days/weeks that just baffles you? Well, that's me right now. I'm stuck, in a rut, whatever you wanna call it. I'm just...profoundly sad. And it really just hit me last night while riding the bus back from the basketball game (I had to babysit the cheerleaders last night). I've just come to an impasse. I am so disappointed with humanity, with teaching. I've asked myself so many times in my career: "Why am I doing what I am doing?" I feel as though I am not effective any more. I know, I know: everyone has these days. But it seems that "these" days are becoming more frequent.
What does God have in store for me? Who knows. I do think, though, that every day this plan runs further away from the public school system. Forget the cliches, the NCLB bull crap, and all the bad publicity for a second. It's not that at all (I'll never jump on that bandwagon, no matter how jaded I get); it's a more philosophical issue. Imagine putting your whole heart, all your energy into what you're passionate about. Imagine really knowing your "stuff," really fervently believing in the power of what you do and teach...and then having to face kids who won't even pay attention. Working on research paper plans for 15 WEEKS and kids won't even turn in a paragraph for a conference that I set up INDIVIDUALLY with them. Talking over kids who think texting their boyfriend in another state is much more important than what you're saying. SENIORS who do not even know what a sentence fragment is. Yes kids, this is YOUR FUTURE. These are our presumably college-bound seniors I'm talking about.
It's not a matter of failing to me. If they fail, they fail. It's the intrinsic factor that gets me. WHAT are these people thinking!? ARE they thinking? No. I guess I'm such an idealist that my little bubble has finally burst. Gosh, and to think, I wanted to really classify myself as a realist. Not. So.
At this rate I'm going to be a mess of a parent--IF I even consider that. I shudder at the thought right now, because it scares me. I know how I was, and I know how much WORSE things are today. So much pressure, so many social expectations.
The beauty of this situation, though, is this: this too shall pass.
Is there any equation/job/path out there that does not involve human interaction that leads to disappointment in someone? If someone can find that path, please give me a call!
16 comments:
I think it's time the AP class had a little intervention with your first block class. Or maybe not, but I do believe they need a reality check of some sort.
Hang in there Mrs. Krieger! We need you!! And hey, maybe you'll get a gigantic Christmas bonus...
:)
As my daughter stands in my foyer, one foot in the cat food dish and a piece of cat food in her mouth, I am struck by how similar people are, all across the world.
I was talking to Jenni last week. We were both saying how we felt blah, how we felt that there must be MORE and was this what the rest of our lives would be like? Not that either of us have bad lives, merely that they haven't turned out the way that we planned them to. Perhaps as God has planned them, but not as we had.
There is disappointment around every corner. I find myself sad, for no apparent reason. Aaron tells me he hopes I get out of this funk soon. I think my sadness is similar to yours. I want interaction that doesn't lead to disappointment. But more than that, I don't want to be disappointed in myself any longer. That's the real cause of my sadness. Others don't measure up to my expectations, and lately, neither do I.
My dear SIL, I treasure you so dearly. I pray for this sadness, this blah-ness, that God will use it to his glory and that it will pass soon.
wow.
mrs. krieger i've always thought of you as super woman.
b/c you seriously juggle a lot of things at one time.
i mean the amount of stress you go through can't parallel to most.
but, i love you :]
and now that i have read this, i do text a lot, so i think i may turn off my phone during the day :]
<3<3
i think that you need to cut your losses, so to speak. i don't mean give up teaching or anything, just...finish the semester and try again. that's all we can ever do. every living thing, whether we realize it or not, tries their best with the things constraining them, be they a heaviness of the soul, a lack of drive, or troubling teens. If, in the end, you choose to move on, then it will be your choice, but don't allow a group of people to force you from what you chose to do. it might be disheartening, but the bad stretch won't last forever. everything has its end.
You're not going to reach all of them. It's not possible. If you can give up on that and just focus on the good ones, well, then you wouldn't be who you are. Great teachers are just so rare, I hope you get out of this funk before you want to kill all those little punks. :)
OK, you're upset. This happens. It's true that you cannot reach everyone, but that does not mean that you're not making a positive impact on ALL of these children! Regardless of whether they pass or fail, they will remember this saintly teacher named Mrs. Krieger! You know as well as I do, that even as soon as graduation night, people realize that there is life outside of highschool. They realize that they should've paid more attention when they get into college and make their first 56 on a simple assignment (speaking from experience here). I promise that if you fail them, it will not ruin their life, contrary to what you may believe.
On a more agreeable note, I'm with you, kids are getting more lazy by the day! It's insane how much apathy exists among highschool students. That is the problem that exists for educators today. Traditional methods are not working like they should. I do not believe that they will work or will ever work until some PARENTS start stepping up to the plate. I'm a firm believer that some people in the world should NEVER procreate! NEVER! Now I love kids, I love students, I hate irresponsible parents. Parents today reason that they are too busy to pay any meaningful attention to their kids. The more I talk to students, the more that I realize they do not care because their parents do not care. Think about it, especially those kids that are college bound... The majority of those kids' parents are making them goto college because they believe it will better them. That is more than likely the extent of their cares about their child's schooling. Yes there are self-motivators in the world; those are the children who make it through and eventually make it through college. But it seems that children are having to do less and less for themselves which pushes them to be even more lazy. It's crazy! But parents ruin their children and send them off to their free babysitters *k-12th* teachers. Then they expect teachers to juggle teaching morals as well as curriculum. Now, kids are overwhelmed by things they should have learned YEARS ago! And it stresses teachers that care out: those that don't, won't. Argh! I feel your pain. It seems that everyday, almost, I question my desire to continue in the field of education. Because I, like you, desire interaction free of disappointment. And so far, the most rewarding job that i have is being a teller at a community bank. I love my job right now, but you make no money being a teller. At least, I don't. But i really, really like my job. It makes me consider becoming a banker for life. But alas, I've typed too long. I bid you adieu and will pray for peace for everyone. But i pray for crappy parents most of all. Because there are so many people who would be great with kids that decide not to have them or cannot have them. That's the real shame in all of this. People that care and will do some good decide to opt out of making the world a better place by passing on their seed. Remember as E.E. Cummings said, "The best lack all conviction while the worst burn with passionate intensity." Later Krieger.
Well said, Ben, well said. You've embraced the language and the intensely passionate concern that seems to invade every educator that REALLY cares about what he/she does. We need teachers like you--like me!
Join the Dark Side and we'll rule the galaxy together as father and son! ;D
Quit being such a diva and start posting this flyer everywhere! I'm gonna make tons of different flyers for this show because I have no life, so this is one of many.
http://img233.imageshack.us/img233/3136/flyerkcpeeweebe3.jpg
It was done it like 2 seconds so it kind of sucks, but I like it.
Hey like I said before, I'm just gonna go hobo though lately I've been thinking of just running off into the woods to pretend to be bigfoot so I can jump down from trees on top of poor, unsuspecting hikers.
anyway, merry christmas
http://www.thecompassgroup.biz/merryxmas.swf
sorry if i sounded harsh in my above comment, sometimes my thoughts come out seeming quite hurtful. still, don't worry about people. let them ruin their lives. they'll regret it later and eventually figure out they should have listened to you...well, that's a bit mean, too. oh well...
yeah, when you popped into the library, i had most of the 100-word summary done...i just had to twist a word or two...so don't think i don't do my work! time management is what i do. after all, the only thing anyone ever has is time...and yet it continually slips away...it simply shows that materialism has no value in the end, for we all lose what we thought we had when time at last conquers us...yet again, a bit harsh. it's almost as if i'm telling your other classes that they should at least fill their time with weightier things than the fleeting doings of others...
yep, in the end you die, no surprise. It's what happens in between now and then that you don't expect that makes it worthwhile. I think too many people worry about the end when they're literally worrying about nothing. Whatever happens right now, you still be fine five minutes after it happens, unless you know it kills you but then, hey, you'll be dead so it won't matter. la helumiere liato de muerte.
exactly, angela. but, perhaps our views are why some people think we're morbid...ah, well. we learn. it is the only thing we can do and, kriegy, if your other classes are unable to see past the immediate, then they won't lead their lives to the fullest. and in the end, they'll regret it. not immensely, perhaps, but it will be there, a tiny regret amongst others, where lessons were not learned fast enough or they did not try to see the world around them. well, i hope all this talk is helping you out. it certainly makes me think and that, i believe, is what truly matters.
Krieger, I think you need to start a blog that everyone can contribute to! :):) Make us all moderators or something. Everyone has something good to say. Great group of readers you have.
Yo, Ted Hughes died in '98!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=4gixYZrmayA
Mrs. Krieger, to tell you the honest truth I've never dreamed of a teacher as a complete normal human being such as you.
I can hardly explain, but it seems when I look back on how I generally envision teachers I see people that are so sure of themselves and their purpose for teaching (and life, really).
You kinda change how I see teachers. You make me see them more "human".
Oh and I know it's a really freshman-like thing to, but I'm glad you're my advisor and teacher and stuff. I figured it be really awkward to tell you that in person so I skipped it. hahh
:)
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